Saturday, May 30, 2009

Femme Fatigue

This is a diversion from my regular wonderful blogs...I have something else on my mind today gals, but I promise to make this one of few times that we go off course....

I heard him tell me, when I was in the 8th grade, that I am a female and will not be a CEO. I heard him say sorry when we spoke again in high school, after I heard him say he didn't remember saying that. I made him go to class because, face it, he was a super senior and needed to get out! I watched him go to the prom with another girl because she was a senior and didn't have a date. I didn't say anything..I didn't say anything to him ever for 2 years. I sent him pictures when he was away with the Army in Korea. I wore that hat because he said I looked like Mary J. Blige's My Life cover. I held the phone to my chest when he moved and never gave me a new number. I held the phone in my fist when he told me he had a girlfriend. I'm sorry? I'm your girlfriend. I gave him my nameplate because that's what you did when you had a boyfriend. He gave it back one summer while visiting from Atlanta because he was seeing someone else. Again. I listened to him tell me where he was born, what his mom did for a living, who his dad was, where his dad was, his age, his major, his year at Morehouse. They were lies. I held in my real feelings because he may not approve. I decided that was dumb and told my true feelings and he didn't call back. I saw him, liked him and went to him first. He liked that. I waited in the wings for him to seek me out, he liked that more. I didn't go to his house unannounced. I bought sheets for his bed. I hope she found them comfortable. I tasted vienna sausage because he said it was good. Sidebar: no it is not. I used to love to go to Houston's, but he didn't so, we ate wings from the corner. I felt him leave the bed when the Que's came by in the middle of the night. I didn't say anything. I asked him to drop me somewhere and he sent his pledges. On Valentine's Day he gave me candy, delivered by his pledges. I just thought that was part of the life. I was unhappy, but I stayed because we are supposed to go to college, meet a man and marry him. I went away to work and decided, on that day, to be happily ever after. But it wasn't with him. I threw the phone when he told me she was pregnant. I cursed him when he bought her MY ring. The one I described. I watched Love Jones on repeat. I ate dry cereal and kept a bottle of water at my bedside. Because I didn't leave it. Happy?? Not really. I went back. I met him. He was his friend. But we had a connection. He called. He called. He called. He called. He called. He called. I didn't know why, I hadn't made the connection yet. I visited. He kissed me. I went home. He argued with him. He told me it wouldn't work. I still don't know why. He was married. He didn't make the connection. I bought him shirts he might like. I picked out shoes. I made his plate. I cooked his favorite food. I picked up that dish he liked from the restaurant we went to. I baked his favorite cookies. I mixed his favorite drink. I blended smoothies. I ate tuna with no mayo. I ate bread that tasted like cardboard box. I didn't eat pineapple or mango because they had sugar. I didn't drink Orange Juice. I ate fake cheese. I poured fake sugar into my green tea. I took tablespoonfuls of Psyllium husks. I couldn't go outside that day. I drank cranberry juice. Only. I mixed maple syrup, cayenne pepper and lemons. Daily. I took water pills. I bought books to make me not eat. I drank soymilk. I didn't eat pork, beef, lamb. I ate pork, beef, lamb. I ate peppers, even though I hated them, because he said they are good for you. I used Gain because he liked the smell. I grew up on Tide. I bought his daughter a beautiful dress. He gave me a picture, but I have never seen her before in my life. I didn't wear red nail polish because he hated red. I wore red nail polish because he hated pink. I dyed my hair black, he didn't like it. I put hi-lites in my hair, he doesn't like light hair. I wanted to lift them more, but he really hates light hair! He's a legs man so, I did lunges. I hate lunges. He really just liked my face, not my body. In fact, he asked me if I was heavy all my life. Hadn't really thought about it, but I am sure these donuts will not help. He liked my hair out. It's hot, I really wanted to wear a ponytail. He liked my hair half up and half down. He liked my hair curly. He liked my hair bone straight. He liked me in business attire so, I wore suits. He liked to chill out so, I wore sweatsuits.

I watched baseball. At the field, on TV. Baseball bores me
I watched basketball. I haven't known a player's name since MJ.
I listened to his poems. I wanted to watch TV.
I helped him with essays. I wanted to sleep. I go to dance class, he wanted to go to a play. I didn't go to dance class.
I wanted Mr. Chow's. He thought that was "frontin' " so, we ate IHOP.
I wanted him to come watch me dance. He didn't like dance class. But he went to visit her at the beauty salon.
He incessantly freestyled rap songs, I would have preferred having a conversation. He didn't know that. I never said anything. Or did I??
I didn't want to date a man with children. His child stayed with me.

I wore a corset, the stilettos pinched my pinky toe, I wore MAC, it was too heavy, I wore Almay, I wore NARS, I just needed him to see me look perfect. I smelled like Issey, Dolce, L'Artisan, Creed, Kenzo..he liked Jamaican Punch so, I bought that too. I wore short hair, long hair, bangs, an MC Lyte hi-low, feathered like Pebbles, back shaven like Mary's circa Be Happy, and flat twists. He was short, I wore flats and just kept an image of Tom and Nicole in my head. I like the pinky toe pinching high heels. I almost caused internal combustion by holding in farts, I brushed my teeth and hair before he woke up. I fell asleep after him so he wouldn't hear me snore.

I gave him flavor. Variety. Everything he desired. Why didn't he stay?

I think Char said it best, " I've been dating since I was 15!! I'm exhausted!! Where is he?!!???!!

He is there. He may not be there right now so, watch for impostors.

When you settle for less than you deserve, you most certainly will get less than you imagined.
I know you're tired, but wake up.


  1. Very inventive! I really do love it. I may take a page from this and write one too sister! Its amazing how compromising women become in a relationship. Even through time women tend to play into that aspect of the gender role. I question why all of us do it?! But anywho.....So VERY good this was. You should do this kinda thing once a month at minimum.

    Ohh yeah and anyone who can't tell you are talking about different people by halfway down the read... Imma need them to buy a clue. lol : )

  2. Thanks sister!! Means a lot!! I hope I won't have to post like this once a month!! LOL!!

  3. Ahhhhh! (That's me exhaling as if written for and about my life)We do so much to please THEM but do they do ANYTHING to please us? This was great insight girl!


  4. It sounds like you've been looking into my life over the past couple of years! The things we do for men. I say Charlotte's quote all the time! I'm so tired of dating and playing the "game" but like you said "He's there" I just hope to meet him soon!

  5. Brilliance: both the writer and the words. Thanks for this sistren.

  6. omg! GIRL i feel like it was me writing this. I had to wipe a tear away. Was going through it. Was In a back and forth thing with this man who made me feel the worst about myself. Today was one of these days where i felt like i still love him. After the thought i just happened to read your blog. Now the best thing is going through my head F*ck that punk Ass. Lol Excuse my french. But those words said it best. Hope you blog more often :-)

  7. Why am I so LATE??? This was the SHIZZLE, cuzzo...needs to be published...FO' REAL, DUDE...this is POWERFUL. Did you perform it on stage at one of those snap fingers spots???